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Attention is better when focused outward.

Song of the moment.

(Source: eu-pho-riaa)

(Source: acr0bat)

Ew, feelings! All sorts of weird feelings are coming up today that I feel the need to share.

First of all, now that graduation is nearing, it’s like every few days is a new realization that my life is changing. Soon after the celebration dies down, I’ll be left with a sense of floating in Limbo. Yesterday I realized that a lot of the people I know here from school, I probably won’t see ever again. I feel like I missed a lot of opportunities to get to know these people better, and just now regretting it. I don’t remember the last time I ran into a friend and actually stopped long enough to find out what is going on in their lives! I’m so busy now that it’s difficult even to schedule a time to see anyone.

I feel a longing to be close with people again. I used to think that everyone else was the problem; no one made the effort. Instead, it’s really more my fault. I have antisocial tendencies….. I guess I have certain expectations of how people should be and situations should go, and I really need to learn to let go and be more spontaneous. A lot of great connections can be made this way. I realized this when the Chinese professor plopped me into Accelerated Chinese for the last term, after not taking Chinese for 2 years… that I knew nobody. Some of my closest friends were people I had met in my language classes and knew from different places. At first I thought people were snobs and didn’t want to bother with the new girl… However, I just realized that I never reached out to anyone so no one really noticed my presence before.

Tonight I was so sad (I blame the hormones, it’s about that time) that I couldn’t get to know all these beautiful people. Such beautiful people who have graced my life with their existence, and it’s such a shame to not know them better. I always thought I was a consequential thinker. Obviously not in the case for thinking about the consequences of my antisocial behavior. All I want is a few more hours in the day to do all the needs that need to be done, and then some.

I know it’s still early in the term to be saying this, but I truly mean it: to everyone whom I’ve had the blessing to meet in this lifetime, I might not know you very well, but I really wish that I could. Hopefully I’ll get to know some better by the end of the term, and keep in touch after I leave. <3

STOP COMPLAINING SO MUCH! I find myself feeling very negative lately and it’s becoming quite stressful. So. I resolve to be more conscious when I’m about to complain, and whenever I feel the negative thoughts come up I’ll ask myself, “Is this really worth getting stressed about? Why don’t you think about how you can make it positive, or better yet, just enjoy it?”

Yes. Go.

I still think the original is better, but I like how he sings “honey”. It gives me the shivers!

At this point so close to graduation, I feel it’s appropriate to internalize some of the things that are going on around that haven’t actually been spoken about.

Firstly, I’m in danger of not passing a class that I need to move on to the next class in sequence. A couple weeks ago this didn’t bother me at all, until an ordinary day last week when it hit me: it’s very possible that I won’t pass phonology. How could I let it get this far? Why didn’t I just make myself get through it since it’s so important to my major? None of these questions have any answer or justification, except the fact that I am stricken with denial. Denial that life will change in just a few short months and denial that I can’t breeze through a class like in the high school days. Denial that there are some things in my life that I continually hide from the ones I love.

And what really is a person supposed to do? The dilemma of born-agains: being aware that the person you are and the person you aspire to be might be misaligned more often than not. And the question, “How did I get here?” is only a small whisper but nonetheless a powerful reminder of how far I’ve drifted.

People can change and God forgives everyone who has a repentant heart, so why do I still feel like such a horrible person? Putting other people down in my head only makes me feel bitter. “I might’ve done _____________ but at least I didn’t __________ like that person!” And the head games go on.

So what is my conclusion? Either I’m a horrible, horrible person in need of some professional counseling, or I realize that everyone has their secrets and move on with my life as though things are just peachy. The latter seems far more attractive.

The other issue is in regards to this void I’ve been feeling for the past few months. Some people would love to feel contentment. I think I’d like to feel thirsty. Obviously, not in the literal way of thirsting for a beverage. I’d like to feel thirsty for creativity, for worship, for deep connection with lots of people. I’d like my compassion and love to touch more people than just the ones who are directly in front of me. My spirituality is in no way the condition I want it to be.

Jesus is so patient with me.

All of these things keep me humbled and hopeful though, despite the slight depression I experience from time to time. Above all, I feel that people’s attention and abilities should be focused outward, and from that comes a deeper sense of worth than for one’s personal reputation to appear to be of worth. How does this help my current condition? It doesn’t. It just keeps me going to know that school isn’t the most important thing in life, and that Jesus is always there like a friend I grew up with, waiting for me to trust him enough to give me a hug.

shoelaceetiquette:

be good or be good at it on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/13255728

I totally LOL’ed.

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Fine Folk

feelings.

Note to Self: